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Self-Portrait (With Self-Portrait)

SETH ABRAMSON


                                                  It is smaller
when I use my hands as a harness, because
they were painted that way by a woman once
and it was love
           and so still they are painted that way.
In the rarefied fear of the subway
my arms and shoulders jackal into their size.
After a car arrives there is a settling before
           the doors open like hands
and this no longer makes me feel ashamed.
I do not dream of crashes now.
                           I dream we fight and I mean
we fight. I hurt my hand and you say I hope
it never stops hurting, and thankfully it won't.
My look is a modest man's walking his dog,
if I manage not to make faces

as the cars tear between apartments stacked
as though no one of serious intelligence

                                   swims about inside,
mouthing a sound something like
            the circumference of a prison yard.
I don't smoke
but here I'm puffing as if contractually--
because I need something to start a fire with,
because behind me the ads blister
                          into being and converse
from one park to the next. What I really want
is anger, to pull a muscle and be done with it,
a lament for peripheral vision. Instead
           her brush takes years
away, and refuses to offer them back as grace.



Seth Abramson, currently a public defender in New Hampshire, will be a student at the Iowa Writers' Workshop beginning in August 2007. His poems have recently appeared in The Iowa Review, Beloit Poetry Journal, Antioch Review, Verse, Quarterly West, Western Humanities Review, and elsewhere.


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